Bubble Wrap

I used to think it a little odd that when Heavenly Father wants me to learn/relearn something He often picks the middle of the night. I have finally come to realize that it is the most peaceful time of the day - free of distractions, quiet and undisturbed. Unless I am in the temple, there really isn't a better time to get my attention.

So its 4:30 in the morning and I have spent the past hour reflecting on a wonderful blessing that I needed to be aware of. I think its kind of funny that so many of these little blessings go unnoticed until I can't sleep at night (which, due to my growing belly, has been quite a lot lately :) I had a wonderful conversation with a good friend yesterday - okay maybe less of a conversation and more of a time to reflect on all that I have learned during the past couple of years. She expressed a thought she had and then (probably realizing that I am not a very good listener, but a very good talker) allowed me to inundate her with thoughts/testimony/epiphanies that have helped me understand my own trials. I'm sure that she already knew most of it (and probably knew more on the subject than I do), but she was gracious enough to let me realize what I have learned. Usually John or my sister get the brunt of these type of rantings (and endure them quite well!), but I learned something about friends and what Heavenly Father meant by "edify and uplift one another". I love positive, helpful, testimony building conversations and I'm so grateful to those friends who allow me to indulge :)

I was thinking about all of the events that have transpired during the past few months and wondered how I have been able to feel so positive about my life when, from someone else's perspective, it could very well be falling apart :) I remembered an experience I had a while back that taught me a great lesson and suddenly I was truly grateful for hardships (at least the ones I am already done with) and the fact that Heavenly Father uses them to try to teach us things that make us better individuals and bring us one step closer to meeting our Celestial goals. In stake conference this past weekend they reemphasized that "you have to experience, yucky, HARD, uncomfortable things to understand and appreciate the good, sweet, wonderful things and to realize how good you actually have it" and that "blessings come AFTER the trial of your faith". Without these learning experiences our time on earth would be a waste. We were sent here specifically (in part) to learn to overcome situations that we don't like. They may or may not be caused by a choice we made, but if we let Heavenly Father tutor us and work with us, we will master them and receive great blessings concerning them.

Back to my lesson - I had been experiencing one of those awful trials - the ones that make you feel like you are in a deep, dark, hole and you wonder why you didn't think to pack your ladder right before you fell into it. Anyhow because I kept dwelling on the "unfortunate circumstance" I couldn't climb out of it, yet I was completely miserable and quite overwhelmed. I remember praying quite fervently (and repeatedly) for mercy - that Heavenly Father would lift me out and "ease my burden", yet He didn't and I was confused and discouraged by that. After a lot of pondering, reading scriptures, fasting, and trips to the temple, he opened my understanding enough to help me realize that he wasn't going to save me from that trial - that I needed to learn how to get myself out of that negative place and He was (mercifully) going to let me struggle through it with minimal help.

That was a huge bummer of a realization to come to and frustrated me even further, yet I knew (and often forgot) that He had never left me alone previously and would be close enough if I completely muddled the whole thing.

I didn't handle the struggle very well and was probably getting to that "muddling it up" stage when He probably couldn't bear to see me fumble one more time and sent me a much needed clue to my circumstance. I was helping my three-year-old clean her room. Actually, I sent her to her room with an order to clean it up by herself. She was completely overwhelmed by the thought. I thought she was being silly, because it wasn't a disaster and she could easily have done it in 10-15 minutes as she had several times before. Quite some time passed with me poking my head in every ten minutes or so to see how she was doing while I went about my own work. After quite some time I realized that despite my promptings and advice, threatenings to put her down for a nap.... she had made absolutely no progress.

I was incredibly frustrated, but because she is such a sensitive little girl was trying VERY hard not to show it. She had begun crying and wailing, "I can't do it, its too hard!!" so I narrowed her task down to three main things and told her if she accomplished those jobs, I would help her finish the rest. Apparently those things were still overwhelming. She didn't know where to start and I felt it important that she learn that she was perfectly capable of doing something hard so I wasn't backing down. I finally sat down and got very specific with her. "Honey, start with the doll stuff. All you have to do is gather it all up and throw it in the toy box" I was not about to do this for her because it was brain numbingly easy, but her reply was a desperate, "I CAAAAAAANT, its too HAAAAAARD!!!!!"

That's when the epiphany hit me. My mind was immediately opened and suddenly I saw myself in my own struggles and saw the way Heavenly Father saw me. I had been throwing the same type of fit and had focused on the "unfairness" so much and for so long that I found myself powerless to overcome something that someone else might see as a "brain numbingly easy" task. I had quit listening to reason and was no longer receiving the type of divine guidance I was entitled to because I failed to follow the simple promptings I had already been given - because "it was too HAAAAAARD!"

That was a VERY humbling experience. But I have reflected on it innumerable times since then when things have started to get hard. I think that little lesson - along with following lessons that taught me how to get myself out of the pit by using my resources (scriptures, fasting, temple, Holy Ghost...) instead of doing nothing other than praying for deliverance.

So I think one of the reasons the trials John and I have been facing have been significantly easier is that I have learned to listen a little bit better to the Holy Ghost, follow its promptings no matter how difficult they seem, and TRUST that Heavenly Father might actually know what He is talking about. It isn't too hard, and I CAN do hard things and he WILL sustain me and pick up the slack when my efforts are less than adequate. When I do get discouraged, it is ALWAYS because I have not been giving enough of my own EFFORT toward maintaining spirituality (i.e. not studying my scriptures every day, getting caught up in wordly things, not filling my mind with positive, uplifting things...)

But that is only a very small part of the reason - the majority of it is simply that "our burdens have been made light". And although I would like to take some sort of undeserved credit for having a positive attitude, I have very little to do with it and I have felt quite firmly the prayers of all of you, and some how through them I have been encompassed in some type of heavenly bubble wrap that allows me to see the situation as it really is, but provides me with a continual eternal perspective, comfort, peace and assurance. I am EXTREMELY grateful that mercifully I haven't had to fumble (at least not nearly as much) through this one, because despite lessons learned, I would most definitely muddle it up too. and I am positive that I owe a lot of that to your prayers and fasting on our behalf. So thank you and please don't stop! :)