~The Speth Family~: I Have Thoughts Brewing...

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I Have Thoughts Brewing...

I have had a lot on my mind this week (your cue to turn off the computer and run). It started when I followed a link to Paul Cardall's blog. He seems to be a nice guy. He talked about how he has watched so many friends die through the years. Suddenly I realized the road John and I have in front of us - besides Ammons PHYSICAL challenges. My thoughts went back to a story one of my best friends' told me. I talked to her again today and she reminded me of the story. I hope she doesn't mind if I share a condensed version...

Her four year old son has severe spina bifida. Before he was born the doctors told her that he would probably be a vegetable and wouldn't be able to walk. They were so wrong. He is a smart little stinker and runs and climbs and jumps and defies all kinds of odds. Still, he has his difficulties and it has been challenging. He has surgeries every six months to extend, fix or replace the metal rods that stretch from his shoulders to his hips. She said a little over a month ago Adam came to her freaking out, "Mom, Mom! I have a big scrape on my back! He had also noticed a large lump. Mary had to explain to him that he was born with that bump and the scrapes were scars from his surgeries.

I thought so much about this. He is four years old and has just barely figured out that there is something different about him. How old will Ammon be when he realizes the seriousness of his situation? How will we explain it to him? What do I tell him when he asks if he is dying? Do I let him form good friendships with other HLHS kids and subject him to the realities of death, or do I shelter him and keep him from the growth and sweetness of those friendships? What if we don't get to that point? I started to come up with answers, but what if they aren' t the right ones? I want Ammon to have experiences that make him strong and keenly aware of Heavenly Father's arm in his life, and in the lives of those he will associate with. I want him to have great, wonderful, STRONG friends that will bless his life - just as I have had. Friends that bless his life through their genuine goodness and strengthen him with their amazing ability to navigate through massive trials.

A couple of posts ago I said I was grateful for the opportunity to be Ammon's mom. I am equally as grateful to be Kylie and Allie's mom. Just because their hearts work perfectly doesn't mean they are any less special or that their mission on earth is any less important. They have blessed my life with a great big heart full of joy and happiness. I LOVE spending time with them. I LOVE that they are different as night and day- they each bring a spirit so distinct and special to our family. They each teach us to be better - serious and silly - they balance us out. They are inclined to focus on different things, but both are very much needed. Ammon has added to that. Together our family will be complete - just what we will need to make it back to a Father who loves and cares so deeply for us. He has been so close lately (despite my not always giving him proper thanks or attention). He has answered every one of my prayers and kept me constant and humbled and loved.

So back to that road in front of me. I have decided that I like living on a twisty road. I don't want to know what's coming. One foot in front of the other keeps me sane. So, my conclusion is the same as it has always been - trust that when I get to those hard moments - those moments that will define me and John and our children - Heavenly Father will take us by the hand and lead us through with only a few necessary scars. He always has.

Every one of us has such different trials. A woman in my ward recently remarked that although some are seen, many are not. Those are the worst, hardest ones. But I trust Heavenly Father will help ALL. I know he will.
D&C 121:7 "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;"
D&C 123:17 "Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed."

3 comments:

wanderlustfamJune 18, 2010 at 6:15 AM
From my perspective you seem to be calmly riding the ebb and flow of life. If I may, I compare your handling of your life to riding a wave. Your life does not appear like a roller coaster ride, a wave seems more appropriate, feeling at one with the situation, staying relaxed, working with the wave to get you where you want to go. The wave has ups and downs and is challenging and exciting and sometimes seems overwhelming, but then you make it to shore and you are stronger, and are filled with a sense of aliveness. It's a beautiful thing to behold.

p.s. I know you will figure out what to say to Ammon, you have the spirit and that's all you need. A side thought, Ammon and his experience bring more teachings and blessings to those around him than I think you realize. He is a gift, and your experience with him reminds me that I have two little gifts of my own and I should definitely give more cuddles and less everything else.
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Amy SabinJune 18, 2010 at 11:24 PM
Suzi-

Your thoughts are beautiful and just what I needed to hear today. Annie had a hard day and so did I- one of those when you can feel the lump in your throat and the ache in your chest for all that your little one is enduring. I know you have been where I am and I appreciate your perspective. As much as I want to know where Annie will be in a month, in a year, and in five years, life does not work that way and I am grateful for your reminder that even with so much unknown ahead, I can walk this path and trust that His hand will be in ALL of it. Thank you.
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K. D. MontgomeryJuly 30, 2010 at 11:26 PM
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I don't know if you know how much they strengthen others.
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"This is a troubled world. Discord and disaster are everywhere. It sometimes feels as though mankind itself may be hanging in the balance."Foreshadowing our day, the Lord said, 'The heavens shall shake, and also the earth; and great tribulations shall be among the children of men, but my people will I preserve' (Moses 7:61; emphasis added). We should take great comfort in this promise."
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~Richard G. Scott~

"From your study of Church history, you will all know something of the experience the Prophet Joseph Smith and his brethren had while imprisoned in [Liberty Jail] during the winter of 1838–39. This was a terribly difficult time in our history for the Church generally and certainly for the Prophet Joseph himself, who bore the brunt of the persecution in that period. Indeed, I daresay that until his martyrdom five and a half years later, there was no more burdensome time in Joseph's life than this cruel, illegal, and unjustified incarceration in Liberty Jail. . . ."Most of us, most of the time, speak of the facility at Liberty as a 'jail' or a 'prison'—and certainly it was that. But Elder Brigham H. Roberts, in recording the history of the Church, spoke of the facility as a temple, or, more accurately, a 'prison-temple.' . . ."But tonight's message is that when you have to, you can have sacred, revelatory, profoundly instructive experience with the Lord in any situation you are in. Indeed, let me say that even a little stronger: you can have sacred, revelatory, profoundly instructive experience with the Lord in the most miserable experiences of your life—in the worst settings, while enduring the most painful injustices, when facing the most insurmountable odds and opposition you have ever faced."
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“Even when you feel the truth of [the] capacity and kindness of the Lord to deliver you in your trials, it may still test your courage and strength to endure. The Prophet Joseph Smith cried out in agony in a dungeon: “ ‘O God, where are thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?’(D&C 121:1–2). . . .“The Lord’s reply has helped me and can encourage us all in times of darkness. Here it is: ‘My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes’ (D&C 121:7–8).”
~Henry B. Eyring~

“Our challenges, including those we create by our own decisions, are part of our test in mortality. Let me assure you that your situation is not beyond the reach of our Savior. Through Him, every struggle can be for our experience and our good (see D&C 122:7). Each temptation we overcome is to strengthen us, not destroy us. The Lord will never allow us to suffer beyond what we can endure (see 1 Corinthians 10:13). “We must remember that the adversary knows us extremely well. He knows where, when, and how to tempt us. If we are obedient to the promptings of the Holy Ghost, we can learn to recognize the adversary’s enticements. Before we yield to temptation, we must learn to say with unflinching resolve, ‘Get thee behind me, Satan’ (Matthew 16:23).”
~Robert D. Hales~

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~Elder Henry B. Eyring~

A Future of Peace
"What kind of existence can we hope for? Those who come unto Christ, repent of their sins, and live in faith will reside forever in peace. Think of the worth of this eternal gift. Surrounded by those we love, we will know the meaning of ultimate joy as we progress in knowledge and in happiness. No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations. 'Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him' (1 Corinthians 2:9)."
~Dieter F. Uchtdorf~